Why becoming comfortable with yourself can take longer than becoming successful
A Note from Aarti 🌿
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Why Becoming Comfortable With Yourself Can Take Longer Than Becoming Successful
The Two Journeys We Don't Always Notice
What if becoming successful and becoming comfortable with yourself are actually two different journeys?
We often think that once we achieve certain things in life, we will automatically feel good about ourselves.
A good career.
A stable income.
A healthy body.
A good appearance.
A loving family.
Friends who like us.
And when we achieve these things, there can be genuine happiness and pride.
But sometimes, even after achieving many of the things we wanted, there can still be a strange feeling that something is missing.
Not necessarily because our life is bad.
Not necessarily because we are unhappy.
But because there can be a difference between being successful in the eyes of others and being comfortable with the person we are when nobody is looking.
For me, being comfortable with yourself is not simply about liking yourself or being confident.
I think it is more about accepting what we are deep inside.
And sometimes, that can take much longer than becoming successful.
We Can Build a Life While Still Hiding Parts of Ourselves
Think about a person who has achieved almost everything people around them consider successful.
They are highly qualified. They have a good job. They take care of their health. They look good. They have a family that looks happy from the outside. Their friends and colleagues like them.
Everything seems perfect.
But there is a part of themselves they have hidden.
Maybe they are gay or lesbian, or there is something else they want to be or do that their family or society doesn't accept or that doesn't fit their standards. They know their parents may not accept it, so they keep that part of themselves private.
Or perhaps they have told their family, but the family still refuses to accept it.
From the outside, their life can still look successful.
But there is a part of them that they cannot freely live or share.
And I don't think being comfortable with yourself necessarily means telling everyone everything about yourself.
We all have parts of ourselves that we may choose to keep private.
The question is whether we ourselves have accepted that part of who we are.
Can we look at ourselves without feeling that some part of us is wrong simply because other people don't understand or accept it?
Because sometimes the first person we have to stop hiding from is ourselves.
Sometimes We Become the Person Everyone Likes
There is another kind of person who may also look completely comfortable from the outside.
They are good at almost everything.
They perform well.
They help everyone.
They know how to behave around different people.
They are liked by everyone.
They rarely say no.
They think before speaking because they don't want to hurt anyone.
They become the person who knows how to please everyone.
But deep down, they may be afraid to say what they actually feel.
They may think:
What if they judge me?
What if they don't understand?
How should I say this?
What if they don't like me anymore?
So they keep their thoughts inside and put up a version of themselves that everyone likes.
And slowly, something strange can happen.
They become very good at being around other people while becoming less familiar with themselves.
They know what everyone else wants from them.
But they may not know what they want from themselves.
When the Version We Built Starts Feeling Like a Cage
I think in many cases, success can actually make becoming comfortable with ourselves harder.
Because the successful version of ourselves is something we have worked hard to create.
We didn't just wake up one morning and become that person.
We spent years building that version.
And sometimes that version can become so polished and flawless that even the thought of changing something about it can become terrifying.
Not necessarily because we are happy with everything about it.
But because we don't know what will happen if we change it.
Imagine a woman who has always been considered perfect.
She has been taught to keep quiet, think before speaking, avoid conflict, and always consider what other people might think.
And for years, she has done exactly that.
She says yes.
She adjusts.
She understands everyone.
She keeps the peace.
People love her for it.
But sometimes in life, we reach a point where even the perfect image we have created starts suffocating us.
Because while everyone thinks we have become this wonderful version of ourselves, somewhere inside we may have become lonely.
And perhaps we have even become unknown to ourselves.
So one day, she starts saying what she actually feels.
She starts saying no.
She starts thinking about what she wants instead of automatically thinking about what everyone else wants.
And suddenly, people around her start saying:
“You've changed.”
“You're becoming rude.”
“You're being mean.”
Will that hurt her?
Yes.
Because even though this new version of herself has given her freedom from the old version that sometimes caused her pain, it is still a version she has never known before.
She may even miss parts of the woman she used to be.
The woman who could easily say yes.
The woman who made everyone happy.
The woman who knew exactly how to behave around people.
But missing something familiar doesn't necessarily mean we should go back to it.
Perhaps she doesn't need to lose her kindness.
She simply needs to learn when kindness means considering someone else and when it means not abandoning herself.
She can care about others without forgetting herself.
She can say no without becoming a bad person.
She can change without completely destroying who she was.
And perhaps becoming comfortable with yourself sometimes means learning how to live with a new version of yourself while still carrying the parts of the old one that were genuinely yours.
Sometimes Freedom Is Scary Too
There is a story that reminds me of this.
Imagine a bird that has lived inside a cage for so long that one day, when the cage accidentally opens, it doesn't immediately fly away.
Not because it cannot fly.
But because it has forgotten that the cage is not where it belongs.
It has become so used to the cage that the open sky feels unfamiliar.
Sometimes we can become like that too.
We may spend years living according to expectations, habits, fears, or other people's opinions.
And even when nothing is physically stopping us anymore, we may still hesitate to move.
Because freedom is unfamiliar.
There is also a story often told about elephants. A baby elephant is tied with a rope that it cannot break. As it grows stronger, the same rope may no longer actually be enough to hold it, but the elephant has become so accustomed to the limitation that it stops trying.
Whether or not every detail of that story is literally true, I think the idea behind it is interesting.
Sometimes a limitation that was once real can continue controlling us even after it has changed.
The rope may no longer be strong enough.
But our belief about the rope can still be strong enough.
Choosing Yourself Can Be Complicated
But I don't think choosing yourself means simply ignoring everyone else and following whatever your heart says.
Life doesn't work that neatly.
Take someone who wants to become a sportsman.
They are genuinely good at sports and want to pursue it.
But their family wants them to choose a stable career because they are worried about the uncertainty of a career in sports.
That doesn't necessarily mean the family is trying to destroy their dream.
They may simply be concerned.
And that person may decide to choose a stable job because they also want to make their family happy and have a stable life.
Because responsibilities don't disappear just because we suddenly want something else.
Life keeps happening.
But then one day, an opportunity comes.
The part of him that still wants to play sports is still there.
Now he has a choice.
He could leave the stable career and try.
But there is no guarantee.
Maybe he will become a successful sportsman.
Maybe he won't.
Maybe he will spend years trying and eventually end up with an ordinary stable job anyway.
It can go either way.
But there is another question to consider.
Could he eventually make peace with that stable life knowing that he had at least tried?
Because if he never tries, there may always be a small maybe somewhere inside him.
Maybe I could have made it.
Maybe things would have been different.
And sometimes that maybe can stay with a person for years.
But the difficult part isn't only making the decision.
It is everything that comes after it.
The Space Between Two Versions of Ourselves
We often talk about change as if it happens in one moment.
We decide what we want.
We choose ourselves.
And then everything becomes better.
But there is a whole period in between.
The period where we don't know whether we made the right choice.
Sometimes things work and we feel confident.
Sometimes things don't work and we feel disappointed.
Sometimes we want to keep going.
Sometimes we want to go back.
And sometimes we are constantly caught between what feels right and what feels safe.
That period matters too.
Because becoming comfortable with a new version of ourselves doesn't happen immediately.
We have to live through the uncertainty first.
And perhaps this is one reason self-discovery can take longer than success.
Success can sometimes be measured by reaching a particular point.
But discovering ourselves means continuing to experience life and seeing what each experience tells us about who we are.
Sometimes We Follow Others Because We Don't Know What We Want
There is also another possibility.
Sometimes we follow other people's expectations not because we don't have the courage to choose ourselves, but because we genuinely don't know what we want.
Our parents tell us what career would be good.
Society tells us what success should look like.
People around us tell us what we are good at.
And we keep moving in that direction.
We get the degree.
We get the job.
We earn money.
We build a family.
We create a life that may even make us happy.
And yet, somewhere inside, there can still be a feeling that something is missing.
Because there is a difference between:
“I achieved something I deeply wanted.”
and
“I achieved something I was taught was worth wanting.”
The achievement can still be real.
The happiness can still be real.
But the feeling of true fulfilment may be different.
And sometimes we only realize this much later.
Not because we failed.
But because we finally had enough experience to ask ourselves:
“What do I actually want?”
Sometimes we don't have an answer immediately.
And perhaps that's okay too.
We Don't Always Have to Choose Between Everything
I also don't think discovering yourself always means throwing away everything you have built.
Sometimes we think we have to choose.
Career or dream.
Stability or passion.
Others or ourselves.
The old version of us or the new one.
But maybe life doesn't always require such complete separation.
Maybe we can keep some things and add something new.
Maybe we can have a stable career and still make time for something we love.
Maybe we can care about our family without allowing every decision to be made for us.
Maybe we can be kind without saying yes to everything.
Maybe we can think about others while still thinking about ourselves.
And even the woman who spent years pleasing everyone doesn't have to lose her kindness just because she has learned to say no.
Perhaps she needs to learn something more difficult:
when should I consider someone else's needs, and when should I consider my own?
Because choosing yourself doesn't have to mean choosing yourself every single time.
Sometimes we choose someone we love.
Sometimes we choose ourselves.
Sometimes we compromise.
Sometimes we say no.
The important part is that choosing someone else shouldn't require us to disappear completely.
Comparison Can Make Us Forget Who We Are
And then there is comparison.
We don't only compare ourselves with other people.
We also compare our lives with what we see other people achieving.
Someone has a better career.
Someone looks more confident.
Someone is more attractive.
Someone has a better relationship.
Someone is more successful.
And we look at all of that and wonder why our own life doesn't look the same.
But comparison is tricky because we usually compare selectively.
We see the things that make another person happy.
We see what they have achieved.
We see their smiling face.
But we don't always see what makes them sad, what they struggle with, what pulls them down, or what they are hiding.
It is almost like looking at someone with a full face of makeup and thinking:
“They are so beautiful.”
While looking at our own face without makeup and noticing every fine line, pore, or acne mark.
We are comparing their finished presentation with our unfiltered version.
If someone is good at something, we can appreciate it.
But we can also look at something we are good at.
Sachin Tendulkar is an amazing cricketer and sportsman.
Kishore Kumar was an amazing and legendary singer.
We cannot really put them on the same scale and ask who is better.
They had different abilities.
Different interests.
Different paths.
And that doesn't mean comparison is always bad either.
Comparison can actually help us learn.
If someone consistently tops a class and we discover that they use a particular study method, we can look at it and think:
Maybe I should try this too.
That is different from thinking:
They are better than me, so I am not good enough.
One comparison helps us grow.
The other makes us reject ourselves.
Failure Can Remove a Maybe
We are going to fail sometimes.
Even when we finally choose something for ourselves.
Even when we genuinely care about it.
The sportsman may not become the successful sportsman he imagined.
The writer may publish something that very few people read.
The person who finally says no may lose some relationships.
And failure can hurt.
It can disappoint us.
It can make us question ourselves.
But there can also be another feeling underneath it:
At least I tried.
And suddenly that maybe we carried for years has an answer.
Maybe it didn't work.
Maybe we need to try differently.
Maybe we discover that it wasn't actually what we wanted.
Or maybe we find something completely different.
After failure, there can be more things to explore and choose from because we are no longer trapped inside one constant thought sitting in our mind and distracting us.
Sometimes failure closes one possibility while opening several others.
And perhaps that is also a part of becoming comfortable with ourselves—being able to accept that not everything we choose will succeed.
We Keep Discovering Ourselves
For me, discovering yourself is not something that can be completed in a few years.
I don't think we reach a certain age and suddenly know exactly who we are.
Things keep happening.
We keep doing things.
We achieve some things.
We lose some things.
We meet people.
We change.
We learn.
And every achievement, even a small one, can be a kind of success in its own way.
Maybe five years ago we had a dream.
Today we achieve it.
And then tomorrow we may have another dream.
Sometimes the new dream can even appear somewhere in between achieving the old one.
So how can self-discovery have a deadline when we ourselves keep changing?
Sometimes the Achievement Feels Different When It Comes From Within
I think about this in my own life too.
I completed my master's degree.
I did some work afterwards.
I remember feeling proud when I completed my degree.
I remember being happy when I received my salary.
Those achievements mattered to me.
But when I started writing again, something felt different.
Writing was something I had wanted to do for a long time.
And even though writing comes with so many maybes—
Will someone read this?
Will someone like it?
Will anyone connect with what I wrote?
Will this actually go anywhere?
—every time I write something and finally publish it, the feeling of achievement is somehow on a whole different level.
Maybe because this time, I am not only achieving something.
I am also meeting a part of myself that I had wanted to meet for a long time.
And perhaps that is why success and fulfilment don't always feel exactly the same.
Maybe There Is No Fixed Timeline for Becoming Yourself
I don't think there is a right or wrong way to become successful.
And I don't think there is a right or wrong amount of time to discover yourself either.
Some people know what they want when they are young.
Some discover it much later.
Some follow one path for years and then change direction.
Some find what they love while they are already building a completely different life.
Some people need to try and fail before they understand what they really want.
And some people may still be figuring it out.
None of these paths necessarily mean that someone is behind.
Maybe becoming comfortable with yourself isn't about reaching a final version of yourself.
Maybe it is about being willing to meet the different versions of yourself that life introduces you to.
The person you were.
The person you became.
The person you are becoming.
And learning that you don't have to throw away every part of the old you just because you discovered something new.
You can carry some things forward.
You can leave some things behind.
You can change your mind.
You can take your time.
And if someday you find yourself standing between two choices, perhaps you don't always need to have the answer immediately.
Sometimes, after everything else becomes quiet, your own heart already knows which one matters more.
And whether you choose it or not is also not necessarily right or wrong.
It is more like a mystery box—we only get to know what's inside when we open it.
Sometimes we will like what we find.
Sometimes we won't.
Maybe that is part of the uncertainty of becoming ourselves too.
We don't always know where a choice will take us until we actually live it.
Maybe the real success isn't only becoming the person everyone else can admire.
Maybe it is slowly becoming someone you can recognize when you look inward too.
And perhaps we don't have to become completely comfortable with ourselves all at once.
Maybe we just have to keep discovering ourselves, one experience at a time.
“Maybe success is becoming someone others can admire, while becoming comfortable with yourself is becoming someone you can admire. And perhaps both versions can exist, because true success isn't only what others see in you, but also what you feel about the person you are.”
If you enjoyed this reflection, you might also like: Why Some People Grow Through Pain While Others Stay Stuck
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