Why Some People Grow Through Pain While Others Stay Stuck
A Note from Aarti 🌿
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Why Some People Grow Through Pain While Others Stay Stuck
We often hear that pain makes us stronger or helps us bring something better from within ourselves.
We see examples of this everywhere around us. Gold becomes more refined through purification. A rough piece of stone can eventually become a beautiful diamond after going through a long process of refinement and cutting. Even many things that we value today go through some kind of process before they become what they are meant to be.
And perhaps that is why we sometimes look at difficult experiences in our lives and say that they are making us stronger.
But does pain really make us better?
Or is it something that happens only in some cases? Or is it something that is not always true?
Because if pain automatically and magically made people stronger and better, wouldn't everyone who experienced difficult things in life eventually become wiser, stronger, or better versions of themselves?
But we know that doesn't happen all the time.
This doesn't mean that the idea that pain can make us stronger is wrong. Sometimes it does. Going through difficulties can change the way we look at ourselves, other people, and even life itself. It can make us notice things we had never noticed before. It can bring out a strength we didn't know we had.
Like a survival instinct that isn't triggered unless and until we feel danger.
But there is another side to it too.
Sometimes pain doesn't make someone stronger.
Sometimes it breaks them.
Sometimes it takes away their hope.
Sometimes a person keeps going through the same difficult situation for so long that they stop believing anything can change. They may still have strength somewhere inside them, but they become too exhausted to keep using it. Or they have become so comfortable with or so negative about the situation that trying to change it feels even more painful, so they simply accept it and use their strength to stay where they already are instead of trying to change it.
And nothing is wrong with that because, for me personally, the battle for survival can sometimes feel bigger than the battle for change.
And that is where I think things become interesting.
Because we often come across people who have gone through painful experiences and difficult challenges and somehow come out of them with a greater understanding of themselves. They may develop a new perspective about life or become more aware of what they want and what they don't want.
But we also see people who carry similar pain for a long time and remain trapped in it.
They may become angry, fearful, doubtful, withdrawn, or attached to patterns created by that experience. Sometimes they may lose the willingness to try again. Sometimes they know what they should do, but after trying and failing so many times, they simply don't feel like trying anymore.
So perhaps the real question isn't:
“Does pain make us stronger?”
Perhaps the more interesting question is:
“Why does pain lead to growth for some people, while it leaves others stuck?”
Pain Is Something We All Experience
Pain is a part of life, whether we are human beings, animals, or any other living creature.
“Kya khakh maaza tha jeene me jab dard nahi tha seene me.”
It simply means that there is no enjoyment in life if there is no pain in it.
Because no matter what, pain gives meaning to comfort in a similar way in which light has no meaning without darkness and vice versa.
Pain can come in a lot of different forms. It can come from losing someone we love, being rejected, failing at something we worked hard for, being betrayed, feeling lonely, being misunderstood, watching a dream fall apart, or simply realising that something we believed would last forever didn't.
And not all pain looks the same.
Sometimes it is loud and obvious, so it can't be ignored.
Sometimes it is so quiet that even the people around us don't realise we are carrying it, even if we try to explain it to them.
But one thing I have noticed and find very interesting is that experiencing pain and knowing what to do with that pain are two very different things.
Two people can go through something equally difficult and still come out of it very differently.
And I don't think that automatically makes one person stronger and the other weaker.
Because people don't enter painful experiences as empty pages.
We bring our past and our whole life experiences with us.
We bring the things we learned while growing up, the environment we lived in, the way people around us dealt with problems, the way we were taught to see failure, rejection, success, relationships, and even ourselves.
All of these things quietly become a part of our way of thinking and a bigger part of how we will deal with situations.
A person who grows up surrounded by encouragement may naturally learn to see problems differently from someone who grows up constantly hearing that things will go wrong.
This doesn't mean the first person will always remain positive or the second person can never become positive.
It simply means that what we repeatedly experience can become familiar to our mind.
And changing something that has become familiar isn't always easy or a process one can finish in a day.
Because if Rome was not built in a day, then it won't fully collapse in a day either.
Remnants of it can remain for a long time and will only slowly wither away with time.
The Same Pain Can Create Different Outcomes
I think one of the most interesting things about human beings is that the same situation can create completely different reactions in different people.
It's like we all have the same life cycle, but we are all worlds apart from each other. And even two identical twins are not totally identical.
Take rejection, for example.
Two people can be rejected from the same opportunity.
“I wasn't chosen this time. Maybe I need to improve something.”
“I wasn't chosen because I'm not good enough.”
The event is the same.
But the meaning attached to it is different.
One gets motivation and inspiration, while the other gets self-doubt.
And sometimes, the meaning we attach to an experience can change the intensity and direction of the pain.
Think about two women who are both cheated on by their partners.
Both can feel betrayed.
Both can experience heartbreak, anger, confusion, and disappointment.
But one might start looking for faults within herself.
Was I not interesting enough?
What did she have that I didn't?
Why wasn't I enough?
The betrayal then becomes more than something her partner did.
It becomes a question about her own worth.
The other woman might also be completely heartbroken. She might cry, struggle to understand what happened, and take a long time to heal.
But she may eventually think:
“What happened was painful, but his decision to cheat was his choice. It doesn't decide my value.”
She hasn't avoided the pain.
She hasn't magically become stronger.
She has simply separated what happened to her from who she is.
And I think that difference matters.
Because perspective doesn't decide whether we feel pain.
But it can influence what we do with that pain and what meaning we give it.
Pain Doesn't Automatically Teach Us Anything
We often say that every painful experience teaches us something.
And yes, it does, because painful or not, every experience in life teaches us something and brings a change in us, no matter whether it is as minute as a grain of sand or as big as a mountain.
But I'm not sure if pain itself teaches us.
I think how we reflect on it does.
Pain can happen without us understanding it or even when we are not the reason behind it.
A person can go through the same kind of situation repeatedly and still repeat the same pattern because they never had the chance—or the willingness—to stop and understand what was happening.
Something happens.
It hurts.
We react.
Then life moves on.
But we didn't take anything from it.
So I think if we never pause to ask ourselves what happened, why it affected us so deeply, what part was outside our control, and what we could do differently next time, the pain may simply remain pain.
This is why I don't think every painful experience automatically makes us wiser.
Sometimes we only become wiser when we are able to look back at the experience and understand it.
Perhaps the difference is something like this:
Reflection is what we understand from it.
Growth is what we eventually do with that understanding.
And that process isn't always quick.
Sometimes it takes years.
Sometimes it takes another person helping us see something we couldn't see ourselves.
Sometimes it takes experiencing something again before we finally understand the pattern.
And sometimes we need to step away from the environment that keeps reinforcing the same way of thinking.
What Allows Pain to Become Growth?
If pain itself doesn't automatically make us stronger, then what allows it to become growth?
I think one of the biggest factors is mindset.
The way we look at a situation can influence what we do after it happens.
Some people have what we might call a fighter's attitude. They may fail once, get frustrated, try again, fail again, and still keep going. Sometimes they even put in more effort the next time because they want to figure out what went wrong.
While someone else might try once or twice, become irritated or disappointed, and decide that there is no point trying again.
Neither response necessarily means that one person is strong and the other is weak.
Sometimes persistence is simply something we have learned over time.
Our mindset is shaped by our experiences, our upbringing, the people around us, and even the way we have seen problems being handled throughout our lives.
Someone who has grown up being encouraged to try again may find persistence more natural.
Someone who has repeatedly been made to feel that failure means they are not good enough may find it much harder to try again after failing.
And this is also why I don't think growth always means becoming a completely different person.
Imagine two girls who are both beautiful and talented, but in different ways.
One is naturally more introverted, while the other is more outgoing and comfortable talking to people. In a social situation, people may naturally notice or choose the extroverted girl more often.
The introverted girl could look at this and think, “Maybe I'm not good enough.”
She could compare herself, become jealous, or start believing that she needs to become someone else to be valued.
Or she could look at the situation differently.
She could notice that the other girl communicates confidently and connects easily with people and think, “Maybe this is something I can learn too.”
She doesn't have to become the other girl.
She can remain who she is while becoming a little more confident, learning to communicate better, or becoming more comfortable expressing herself.
And I think that is an important part of growth.
It isn't always about changing who we are.
Sometimes it is about understanding ourselves well enough to know what we want to keep and what we want to work on.
But mindset isn't the only thing that matters.
Sometimes a person can have the willingness to change and still become stuck because they have been trying for too long without seeing anything improve.
Sometimes they are simply exhausted.
Sometimes they don't have enough support.
And sometimes all a person needs is a small push of faith from someone who believes that things can still become better when they themselves have stopped believing it.
Because when someone has tried again and again and failed again and again, even a small amount of hope can make a difference.
Because sometimes, even knowing that someone is there to catch us when we fall gives a person enough courage to open their wings and fly.
It can give them enough strength to try one more time.
And perhaps that is why pain doesn't have one fixed outcome.
What we bring into it matters.
Our mindset matters.
Our experiences matter.
The people around us matter.
And sometimes, simply having enough time, support, and hope to process what happened matters too.
Growth doesn't always mean becoming someone else. Sometimes it means developing something within yourself without losing who you already are.
Why Do Some People Stay Stuck?
Sometimes, being stuck doesn't mean that a person doesn't have strength or will.
They may have plenty of strength.
They may simply have been using that strength for survival for so long that they don't have much left for change.
When someone has been hurt repeatedly, failed repeatedly, or lived in the same difficult situation for a long time, trying something different can start to feel more frightening than staying where they are.
Like a person who fell in love and gave everything to that relationship, but still kept getting hurt. And whenever they raised a question or tried to express how they felt, they were repeatedly called selfish.
After some time, that person may stop speaking their mind altogether.
They may eventually stop loving the person who became the reason for so much of their pain. Or they may become cautious around anyone else before allowing themselves to fall in love again, or even after entering another relationship.
The experience doesn't simply end when the relationship ends.
It can change the way they approach the next relationship too.
Sometimes they have accepted the situation.
Sometimes they haven't really accepted it, but they have learned how to live around it.
And sometimes they know exactly what they should do, but knowing and being able to do something are two very different things.
A person can understand that a situation is unhealthy and still feel unable to leave it.
They can know that they should try again and still not have the energy to do it.
They can even want things to change while being terrified of what might happen if they actually try to change them.
And after enough failed attempts, a person may slowly start expecting failure before they even begin.
We can sometimes see something similar in much smaller situations too.
Sometimes we study all night before an exam or prepare carefully for a presentation. But when the actual moment comes to write the exam or give the presentation, we become so nervous and start thinking so much about the result that instead of performing better, we end up lowering our own performance.
And once one exam goes badly, we may carry that disappointment into the next one and end up ruining the rest of our exams.
Or if one section of a presentation goes wrong, we become so focused on that mistake that it affects the rest of the presentation too.
A single failure can sometimes become the reason we expect the next attempt to fail as well.
They might think:
“What's the point? I've already tried this.”
“It didn't work last time. Why would it work now?”
“Maybe this is just how things are.”
And when these thoughts repeat often enough, they can become a part of the way a person sees their life.
This is where I think we sometimes misunderstand people who seem stuck.
From the outside, it can look like they aren't trying.
But we don't always know how many times they have already tried.
We don't know how much effort they have already spent.
We don't know how many times they picked themselves up before eventually becoming too tired to do it again.
And sometimes, what looks like giving up may actually be someone choosing survival because, at that moment, survival feels more important than change.
For me personally, the battle for survival can sometimes feel bigger than the battle for change.
And I don't think there is anything wrong with that.
Sometimes a person needs to survive first.
They need to find some stability, regain some hope, or simply breathe for a while before they can start asking themselves what they want to change.
Perhaps that is why we shouldn't be too quick to judge someone for being stuck.
Sometimes they don't need someone to tell them to try harder.
Sometimes they need someone to understand why trying has become so difficult for them in the first place.
Sometimes Survival Comes Before Growth
Sometimes, before a person can think about growth, they simply need to survive.
Like how before buying more expensive things, a person needs to make sure that their house is safe from thieves.
There is no point in bringing more valuable things into the house if the basic safety of what they already have isn't secured.
In a similar way, sometimes a person needs to secure their ground before they can think about growing beyond where they are.
We often talk about healing, learning, changing, becoming stronger, and moving forward as if these things should happen in a particular order and at a particular speed.
Like it is some set of rules and a straight road to follow.
Forgetting that life doesn't always give us the space to do all of that at once.
And life doesn't have only one correct answer or one correct order to follow.
It is full of twists and turns.
And most of the time, we can't do one thing at a time. Instead, we have to manage a lot of tasks at the same time.
Sometimes a person is dealing with so much that simply getting through the day takes all the energy they have.
In those moments, telling them to “learn something from it” or “become stronger because of it” may not help.
They may not be ready to reflect yet.
They may not even be ready to change.
They may simply need a safe place to rest, someone who listens without judging them, or enough time for their mind to stop feeling like it is constantly fighting a battle.
And perhaps that is also why support can matter so much.
Sometimes we don't need someone to solve our problems.
We just need someone who stays.
Someone who reminds us that we don't have to carry everything alone.
Because when someone has been fighting for a long time, even a little support can make the weight feel slightly lighter.
And once a person has enough stability to breathe again, they may slowly begin to look at what happened.
Like how our body can only work at its best when it is not suffering from any disease.
And if we have any unfavourable condition, we need medicine and rest until we are fit again to work.
In a similar manner, when a person has secured their ground, they may start asking questions.
They may begin to understand their patterns.
They may discover what they can change and what they cannot.
And that is when growth can begin.
Maybe growth isn't always about immediately turning pain into something beautiful.
Maybe sometimes growth begins with simply surviving the pain without allowing it to completely take away our ability to hope.
Because sometimes surviving is already an achievement.
And perhaps we need to give ourselves permission to acknowledge that before asking ourselves to become stronger.
Growth Doesn't Mean the Pain Disappears
Growing through pain doesn't mean that the pain never happened.
It also doesn't mean that we completely forget what happened or become unaffected by everything that reminds us of it.
Think about a child learning to walk.
A child falls and hurts himself while trying to walk. But that fall doesn't usually make him decide that he will never try walking again.
He gets up.
He tries again.
He falls again.
And eventually, he learns to walk. Then he learns to run, play, jump, and do all the things he couldn't do before.
But the fact that he learned to walk doesn't mean the pain from those falls disappeared.
It doesn't mean he never fell in the first place.
It simply means that the fall didn't stop him from learning something new.
And perhaps growth through pain can be similar.
We can learn from something without pretending that it didn't hurt.
We can move forward without forgetting where we came from.
We can even forgive someone who betrayed us and continue living a happy life, perhaps even entering a new relationship where we feel loved and safe again.
But forgiveness doesn't necessarily mean that we have to forget what happened.
It doesn't mean that we have to become friends with the person who betrayed us again.
We may stop cursing them.
We may stop blaming them.
We may no longer feel the same anger we once felt.
But there is also a chance that we won't be able to wish them well.
We may not be able to smile at them the way we once did.
And I don't think that automatically means we haven't healed.
Sometimes moving forward simply means that we no longer allow that person or that experience to control our present.
We can choose not to carry hatred while still choosing distance.
We can forgive without giving the same person the same place in our life again.
And sometimes growth also means choosing not to become the person who hurt us.
Imagine someone stealing something very important from you.
Of course, you may feel hurt, angry, disappointed, or even broken by what happened.
But their actions don't mean that you now have to go around hurting other people.
You don't have to become cruel because someone was cruel to you.
You don't have to stop being kind because someone took advantage of your kindness.
Perhaps you have heard someone say:
“Never stop being a good person because of a bad person.”
And I think there is something very meaningful in that.
Because sometimes the greatest sign that we have grown through pain is not that we no longer feel the pain.
It is that the pain didn't turn us into someone we didn't want to become.
We can remember what happened.
We can carry some scars from it.
We can even be more careful because of it.
But we can still choose who we want to be.
And perhaps that is what growth really means sometimes—not becoming untouched by pain, but refusing to let pain decide what kind of person we become.
Because we should not feel ashamed of having scars.
Instead, perhaps we can look at them as mementos of what we have survived and experienced along the journey of life.
They remind us that we went through something that hurt us, but we are still here.
And perhaps that is not something we need to hide.
We Don't Have to Be Grateful for Our Pain
There is another thing I think we sometimes misunderstand when we talk about growing through pain.
We often hear people say things like:
“Everything happens for a reason.”
“You should be grateful for your struggles because they made you stronger.”
“If that painful thing hadn't happened, you wouldn't be the person you are today.”
And perhaps there is some truth in these statements.
Our experiences do shape us.
Sometimes difficult experiences teach us something. Sometimes they change the way we look at life. Sometimes they even help us discover a strength we didn't know we had.
But I don't think these statements are completely true either.
Because not every painful experience needs to have a beautiful reason behind it.
And I don't think we always have to be grateful for the pain itself.
Sometimes, accepting that it happened is enough.
We can accept that something happened to us without calling it a blessing.
We can accept that it hurt without trying to find a reason for why we had to experience it.
We can accept that it changed us without believing that we needed that pain to become who we are.
Perhaps this is also why I don't think we should force ourselves to find something positive in every painful experience.
If someone betrayed us, we don't have to be grateful for the betrayal simply because it taught us to recognise certain patterns.
If we lost someone we loved, we don't have to be grateful for the loss simply because it made us value our relationships more.
If we failed at something, we don't have to be grateful for the failure simply because we learned from it.
We can simply say:
“It happened. It hurt. I wish it hadn't happened, but I accept that it did.”
And perhaps that is enough.
Because acceptance doesn't mean that we approve of what happened.
It doesn't mean that we think it was good for us.
It doesn't mean that we have forgiven everyone involved.
It simply means that we have stopped fighting with the reality that it happened.
And sometimes, that itself can be a part of healing.
We don't always have to turn our wounds into lessons.
We don't always have to turn our suffering into a success story.
Sometimes we can just acknowledge what happened, allow ourselves to feel what we feel, and continue living.
And if, somewhere along the way, we learn something from it or become stronger because of it, that's okay too.
But perhaps that should be something we discover, rather than something we are forced to find.
Because we don't have to be grateful for the wound.
Sometimes accepting that we were wounded is enough.
What We Do With Our Pain Matters
So, after thinking about all of this, perhaps the question isn't really whether pain makes us stronger or weaker.
Because pain itself doesn't decide that.
Two people can experience the same kind of pain and still respond to it differently.
One may reflect on what happened and slowly grow from it.
Another may remain stuck for some time.
Someone else may simply need to survive it first.
And sometimes a person may move between all three of these stages at different points in their life.
Because we don't experience pain as empty pages.
We bring our past experiences, our beliefs, our fears, our strengths, our surroundings, and the people around us into every difficult situation.
And all of these things can influence what happens after the pain arrives.
Perhaps that is why I don't think we should be too quick to judge someone who hasn't been able to grow from their pain yet.
We don't know how long they have been fighting.
We don't know how many times they have tried.
We don't know whether they are still trying to survive something that we cannot see.
And perhaps we also shouldn't judge ourselves so harshly when we are the ones who are stuck.
Maybe sometimes we need to stop asking ourselves,
“Why am I not stronger yet?”
and ask,
“What do I need right now?”
Maybe we need rest.
Maybe we need support.
Maybe we need to change our surroundings.
Maybe we need to understand what happened before we can decide what to do next.
And maybe sometimes, we simply need time.
Because growth doesn't always happen when we want it to.
But I also think there is something hopeful in knowing that being stuck today doesn't necessarily mean being stuck forever.
A person can change their perspective.
They can learn something new.
They can find support.
They can regain hope.
They can try again.
And sometimes, they can discover that the strength they thought they had lost was simply being used to survive.
Perhaps we don't always get to choose what happens to us.
We don't get to choose every betrayal, rejection, loss, failure, disappointment, or painful experience that enters our life.
But when we are ready, we may get to choose what place those experiences have in the life we continue to live.
We can carry the memories without allowing them to control every decision.
We can remember the pain without becoming the pain.
We can carry scars without being ashamed of them.
And we can become different because of what we experienced without believing that we had to suffer for the person we became.
Maybe that is what growth through pain really means.
Not that pain was necessary.
Not that every painful experience had a reason.
Not that we should be grateful for everything that hurt us.
But that what happened to us doesn't have to be the end of our story.
Perhaps pain is simply one of the many things we encounter on the journey of life.
Sometimes it changes us.
Sometimes it teaches us.
Sometimes it takes us a long time to understand it.
And sometimes, surviving it is enough.
But when we finally have the strength and space to look at it, perhaps we can ask ourselves:
What do I want to do with what happened to me?
Because maybe we cannot always choose the pain we experience.
But, slowly and in our own time, we can choose what we do with it.
Some experiences leave scars, some leave lessons, and some leave nothing but a reminder that we survived. And perhaps, sometimes, surviving is enough.
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